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Take Only Pictures, Leave Only Footprints

CAMPING TIPS

(Campers Monthly Newsletter, May 2000)

· Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

· While the Swiss Army knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

· You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

· A two-man pup tent does not include two men nor a pup.

· The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

· In an emergency, a draw-string from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

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English Ain't Easy

We polish the Polish furniture.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
They were too close to the door to close it.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the line.
After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

THE BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER

1. I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won (around a picture of dandelions)

2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

5. At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All … I Just Can’t REMEMBER It All

6. If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?

7. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

8. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

9. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

10. Sweetie, If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

11. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

12. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take

DRIVER'S ED
Readers' Digest, January 2002

A handy guide to identifying a driver's geographic origins:

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: Los Angeles.
Both hands on wheel, eyes squeezed shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.
Both hands clutching wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, doing 35 on the interstate in left lane with left blinker on: Florida.